


what if i told you that i loved you? (would you tell me that you loved me back?)

by heavenlyshadows



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Love, Good Friends Pope & John B & Kiara, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, JJ (Outer Banks) Deserves Better, JJ (Outer Banks) Needs a Hug, JJ Has Feelings For Kiara (Outer Banks), Kiara Has Feelings For JJ (Outer Banks), Luke Maybank's A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:07:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27686683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heavenlyshadows/pseuds/heavenlyshadows
Summary: JJ realized a long time ago that what he felt for Kiara was more than what he was supposed to.He would never act on it. The no Pogue on Pogue macking rule was there for a reason, and if Kie wanted more, she would say so.Right?
Relationships: JJ & Kiara & Pope & John B. Routledge, JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from the song What If I Told You That I Love You? by Ali Gatie
> 
> There's a brief description of child abuse in this chapter. If it triggers you, take care of yourself and don't read it.
> 
> Constructive criticism is appreciated.

JJ realized a long time ago that what he felt for Kiara was more than what he was supposed to.

He noticed it when her smile - not the soft, lopsided smile everyone got to see but the split-her-face-shit-eating-grin she reserved for the Pogues - made his stomach flip. Or at the Boneyard, when dozens of half-naked girls were dancing around him, and the only one he was looking at was the one picking up trash in an oversized t-shirt. 

He would never act on it. The no Pogue on Pogue macking rule was there for a reason, and if Kie wanted more, she would say so. He’s happy just being friends. 

He’d latched on to her in the weeks after John B and Sarah disappeared; he’d pick her up from work to surf or smoke - he wouldn’t go anywhere near the HMS Pogue. Just the thought of going out on it made him sick - or creep through her bedroom window after a really bad night, sneaking back out in the morning before her parents could find him passed out in their daughter’s bed. Because even if they told them the truth, that they weren’t like that, Mike would probably still kill him.

They hadn’t seen much of Pope. Kiara tried to let him down easy, and they were still friends, but the vibe was different. JJ tried not to let it go to his head, especially when he had been sleeping on Pope’s bedroom floor since the Phantom capsized. Kie and Pope refused to let him go back to his dad’s, and JJ’s okay with that too. It isn’t like he’s going to notice he’s gone anyway. 

JJ doesn’t realize how wrong he was until Luke comes stomping across the Wreck to where he’d been sitting with John B and Kie. John B and Sarah had come back to Outer Banks a few weeks before, alive but without the gold. Even with Ward and Rafe in prison, there was nothing they could do when the state claimed it as government property. 

Not that it mattered when JJ was about to get the beating of the century.

Luke’s hand lands roughly on the back of JJ’s neck, and to anyone else, it would look like a comforting fatherly gesture, but JJ knows the threat for what it is. 

“There you are, son. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” His voice is gruff, and in the near-empty restaurant, it makes John B and Kiara’s heads shoot up, eyes wide and terrified. JJ imagines his expression looks similar. “C’mon, let’s go home.” His nails dig deeper into JJ’s skin as he drags him out of his chair and into the parking lot, and JJ goes over a mental checklist as they walk.

_ Keep your head down, do what he says, don’t speak unless you’re told to, say “yes sir” when you are. _

It’s the same thing he repeats to himself every time he sees dad. 

His dad, who doesn’t even wait till they’re out of view of the restaurant before wrapping a hand around his throat and slamming him into the side of his truck. 

“You think you can steal from me, you little shit?” Luke hollers as his fist connects with JJ’s face. “You think you can hide out here and not face the consequences?” He punches JJ right in his solar plexus, and every bit of air that he’d been able to get in his lungs with his dad coking him leaves his body, his knees giving out from the shock of it. Luke doesn’t give up once he’s on the ground. The fact that his son is too weak to keep standing only makes him angrier. 

They’ve attracted a crowd, standing around with their phones out like it’s a fight at the Boneyard and not a grown man beating on his son. John B and Kiara are pushing their way through, and by the time Kiara makes it to the front, JJ’s vision has gone black at the edges. She tries to wrench his dad away from him, and eventually, Luke gets tired of her kicking and screaming and whips around to backhand her. 

JJ sees red. He hauls himself up and steps between them, Luke’s nose making a satisfying crunch under JJ’s fist. They stare at each other. JJ’s never dared to fight back before. The brief satisfaction he would get from leaving one mark on his dad compared to the hundreds his dad left on him wasn’t worth the beating he would get in return. This was different. His dad was coming after Kie. 

“Keep your fucking hands off her,” he growls. 

Luke’s laughing at him, blood gushing between his fingers. He’s still laughing when Shoupe pulls into the driveway and handcuffs him, dragging him towards the police cruiser. JJ’s imagined this moment a thousand times over in the last ten years, and he knows he should be relieved. Instead, he’s pissed. 

“Are you ok?” he turns to Kie, fingers grazing the rising welt on her cheek. 

“Are you?”

“You shouldn’t have done that.” 

She gaps at him. “Are you seriously mad at me right now?” 

“Yeah, Kiara, I am,” he snaps. “ It could have been a lot worse than this, and it’s not worth it. I’m not worth it. If something happened to you because of me, I’d never-” 

“And you think I would?” she puts her hands on her hips, and JJ wishes that for once in her life, she’d stop being so fucking stubborn. It was the only rule he’d ever had for the Pogues; never come near his house or his dad. If he needs them, he’ll come to them. 

“I’m not gonna sit back and watch it happen JJ, that’s bullshit.” Kiara hisses. “Because it does matter to me. You matter to me. You matter to Pope and John B, and we need you around, and I am sick of you being the only person who doesn’t see how important you are.” Her eyes well up, and JJ’s anger fizzles out.

No one’s ever stood up for him before because he’s a deadbeat Pogue who’s never making it off the Cut. It’s different for Kie. Despite her fancy Kook life and her trust fund, despite knowing how broken and fucked up and wrong he is, he still matters to her. He hasn’t mattered to anybody in a long time. 

He doesn’t think when he lunges forward and kisses her. 

She freezes for a second, but she doesn’t pull away. She tastes like fry salt and weed and the organic chapstick he’s always finding at the Chateau, and it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted. 

When he pulls away, his head feels like it’s stuffed with cotton, and he isn’t sure if it’s because of her or his dad. The feeling makes him snort. 

“What?” Kie frowns

“Nothing it just- I-”

“You’re concussed.” her tone shifts from confused to worried, and she reaches into his hair to feel for bumps. He leans into the touch.

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” 

His adrenaline has dwindled to almost nothing, and he catches himself on his dad’s truck right as his legs give out. Kiara’s ducking under his arm when John B appears, running across the parking lot to take JJ’s other side. 

“Sorry, I got stuck talking to the cops,” he huffs. “C’mon, buddy, let’s get you checked out.” 

JJ wakes up in the hospital hours later, and Kie’s there, fast asleep in the chair next to his bed. 

She stays with him until he’s released and gives him a ride to Pope’s, where he’ll continue staying until DCS tracks down his mom’s sister. JJ thinks looking for her is pointless, but when has anybody ever cared what he thinks?

“Are you ready?” Kie asks as she parks in front of Pope’s house. 

He shrugs noncommittally. “Yeah, I guess.” 

She reaches across the center console and takes his hand, twisting his rings on and off. His mom’s wedding ring sits on his pinky, and the silver is tarnished after almost twenty years of use, but he can’t bring himself to take it off. He’s kept it since she left it on the kitchen counter in place of a goodbye, hoping that one day she would come home and he could give it back. What would his life be like if she had cared enough to take him with her? He doesn’t think he’d be living with Pope. He wouldn’t have a scar on his forehead from the time his dad hit him over the head with a beer bottle or a crooked pinky from the first time he saw his mom’s ring on his finger and snapped it. But if his mom had taken him with her, he would never have met Kie, and he doesn’t regret her at all. 

“It’s gonna be ok, JJ. You’re going to be ok.” 

And as he leans forward to kiss her, he thinks he might believe her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ isn't handling anything well. 
> 
> It all comes to a head when he hears Kiara arguing with her dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really important to me. I tried to put as much of my own experience with abuse and the things I felt into how JJ could be feeling now that his dad is gone. 
> 
> Stay safe and be happy!

Dating Kiara is much different than being friends with her, JJ realizes. 

  


When they’re watching a movie on the pullout or laying outside in the hammock, they’re pressed as close together as they can get. At the Wreck, he steals her fries and a kiss. They spend a lot of nights on the beach, staring up at the stars and doing other things they probably shouldn’t be doing in a public place. His hands and lips wander, exploring every inch of her body from her tanned legs that stretch for miles to the curves of her hips to that smile that does things to him that he can’t explain. The first time they sleep together, he feels his insecurities - ones that never appeared when he would pick up Tourons from keggers - crawl to the forefront of his mind. He’s suddenly very aware of every scar and bruise on his body, and he wants to hide. But Kiara faces his damage the same way she faces everything, head-on and without hesitation.

  


He tells her everything. About his parents, about himself, even things he’s afraid to admit to John B, who he’s known pretty much his whole life. 

  


But the protective walls he’s been building up are still there, and there are days when he can’t tell her anything. Days when his insecurities get the best of him and no amount of reassurances from her or John B or the therapist Pope’s parents have been dragging him to once a week can do anything to fix it.

  


This week had been a bad one. His dad’s trial is less than a week away, and he can feel his anxiety rising the closer it gets. It feels like the time he and John B went surfing, and JJ got caught in a current, dragged further beneath the water, and unable to catch a breath. He doesn’t talk about it. If he does, everything will resurface with him, and if he breaks down, he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop. 

  


So he avoids it. 

  


He spends more time alone, working and surfing and racing around on his bike until he either runs out of gas or is too exhausted to continue and has to go back to the Heywards. 

  


When he hangs out with the Pogues, he’s quiet and drinks more than he should, draining three beers in thirty minutes. Heyward made it very clear that JJ was not to have drugs of any kind under his roof, and while he knows Heyward would never actually hurt him, he’s too afraid he’ll carry out his threat to skin him alive to test the theory. 

  


He knows his friends are worried about him. He hears the hushed whispers and sees the worried looks they shoot him when they think he isn’t paying attention, and it makes him feel worse. 

  


_ How much of a piece of shit are you?  _ The voice in his head leers.  _ Making them worry because you’re so fucked in the head you miss the father that used you as a punching bag for half your life. _

  


It all comes to a head when he’s picking Kiara up from her house and catches the tail end of an argument she’s having with her dad.

  


“-do better than this, Kiara.”

  


“It’s none of your business Dad,” Kiara’s slamming doors as she rushes to get outside, and her dad follows her, determined to have the last word. 

  


“It is my business if all our hard work goes down the drain because you’d rather hang out with the riff-raff from the Cut.” 

  


_ Oh, _ JJ realizes, a knot twisting viciously in his gut.  _ This is about me. _

  


Kie doesn’t bother to respond, stalking out of the house and down the driveway. 

  


“Hi,” she gives him a small smile as she swings her leg over the side of the bike. Usually, it would make his stomach flip, but now he feels sick, and it doesn’t let up the entire drive to the Chateau. The fact that it’s just him and Kiara makes it harder to hide, but at least she waits until they’re sitting on the dock to call him on it. 

  


“What’s going on with you? You’re being weird.” she splashes him with her foot, teasing, but he can see the concern on her face, and all he can think is that he doesn’t deserve it.

  


_ You don’t deserve her. _

  


“Kie, I think we should break up.” 

  


Her expression changes instantly, disbelieving and angry. 

  


“What the fuck are you talking about?”

  


“I just don’t think this is going anywhere.” he tries to get up and leave because he’s a coward, but she won’t let him off that easy.

  


“Really? Because it seemed like we were doing fine until today so-”

  


“Kie-” 

  


“No, tell me what happened.” she snaps, and he hates that he flinches. “Tell me what happened that made you think we weren’t ‘working out.’” 

  


“I heard you and your dad talking before I picked you up,” she opens her mouth to protest, but he cuts her off. “He’s right, Kie. You’re going to go to college, see the world, spend the rest of your life saving baby sea turtles or whatever. I’m never getting off the Cut, and I sure as hell am not going to drag you down with me.” 

  


In a perfect world where the Pogues had been able to keep the gold they found, JJ could have been able to give her the life Mike and Anna wanted. He could have bought a house on Figure Eight, stopped scrimping and scraping just to get what he needed, maybe even gone to college himself. But this was reality, and unfortunately, reality sucked. 

  


“It isn’t up to you or my parents, JJ.” she reaches for him and tries not to look hurt when he pulls away. “What if I don’t want that fancy Kook shit for the rest of my life? What if I’m tired of flashy outfits and fancy parties and snobby people who don’t give a damn about anybody except themselves?” 

  


“Kiara-” He tries to walk away from her again, but she grabs his elbow and yanks him back. 

  


“Tell me you want me to leave.” 

  


He can’t because he doesn’t. He wants nothing more than to ask her to stay and keep things the way they are, but it doesn’t matter because she deserves better than this.

  


_ She deserves better than you.  _

  


“Tell me that you want me to leave, JJ,” she repeats. 

  


“You know that I can’t.” 

  


The tears are falling before he can stop them, and all his self-loathing and the things he’s been holding on to since his dad was arrested collapse on him. Kie’s holding him, whispering that he’s going to be ok and that she’s not going anywhere, and it feels too much like that night in the hot tub. 

  


It’s all too much.

  


So he cries.

  


And cries.

  


He cries until there’s nothing left, and they’re still sitting on the dock, JJ leaning with his back pressed against Kiara’s chest, when Pope, John B, and Sarah find them hours later. The sun is setting, painting the sky in a swirl of orange and purple and gold on the horizon. 

  


“You ok, man?” Pope asks, offering him a beer. He waves it away, earning a raised eyebrow. 

  


“Yeah, I’m good.” Another raised eyebrow, this time from Kie. “I will be.” he amends. 

  


And he will. He gets through the week, and when the day comes, his dad’s trial. Kiara comes with him and Pope’s parents to the courthouse. She holds him up when Luke, sober after two months in jail, tells him that he’s a good boy and that he loves him. 

  


That was always the worst part. The most crushing blow he could have ever delivered was an apology or a compliment JJ knew he didn’t mean. And there was always an apology, a promise to do better. It was a promise that Luke never kept, but JJ still hoped that it was different  _ this time _ .  _ This time _ his dad would stay clean.  _ This time _ he’d get his shit together and be the dad JJ needed. He’d be like Big John and Heyward, who, despite being a hardass or being gone all the time, still made sure their sons had what they needed. Dads who told their sons that they loved them, not just after shoving half a bottle of pills down their throat, but every day. 

  


It was never different. 

  


But it was this time.

  


Because now JJ wasn’t giving him any more chances. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few months ago, they got way too drunk at a kegger and found out they ran out of condoms. They had gone through with it anyway. One night wouldn’t make a difference. 
> 
> A lot of good that’s doing you now, you fucking idiot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief mention of abortion, but nothing is actually described. 
> 
> Stay happy, healthy, and safe.

John B had been out of a job since Ward Cameron’s arrest, and when Heyward offered him one making deliveries, JJ didn’t think he realized that the three boys together would get almost nothing done. JJ’s other job bussing tables at the Wreck is more productive, and the fact that he gets to spend more time with Kie is just a bonus. 

He thinks her parents are starting to warm up to him as well, extending the olive branch as far as inviting him to dinner. He learned that Mike was born on the Cut, and they talked about surfing and the car JJ and Heyward were trying to fix as a surprise for Pope. Anna sat through the conversation with a polite smile that turned frosty the second JJ said he didn’t have any plans to go to college. Even if he wanted to go, he couldn’t afford it, and his grades had been bad enough that there was no way anyone was going to grant him a scholarship. 

She seemed to soften when Kiara told her about him and John B’s plan to open their own business teaching kids to surf. JJ even managed to make them laugh by teasing Kie after she complained about the plastic straw in her mom’s coffee. “You care about the environment? I would’ve never guessed by the long ass showers you take at the Chateau.” 

She threw her mom’s straw at his head. 

Any progress he had made with the Carreras is completely thrown out the window when Kie shows up at the dock and tells him her period is late. 

The joint he was about to light falls from his lips and rolls between the slats in the dock. He doesn’t have the brain capacity to care. 

“How- how late?” 

“Two weeks.” 

He huffs a breath, pulling his snapback off and running a hand through his hair before putting it back in place.

_ She doesn’t need you to freak out right now. _

“Did you take a test?” 

The steadiness in his voice seems to surprise her. “No.” 

“Ok, we’ll go get one. Let me just tell the guys I’m taking off.” he pulls her into his chest, kissing the top of her head. “Don’t panic just yet. We’re gonna be ok.” 

Pope and John B try to act like they weren’t staring when he makes it back to the boat.

“Sorry, boys, but I gotta bounce.” 

“Dude, what the fuck?” John B asks at the same time as Pope says. “We still have two deliveries we gotta do.” 

“I know, but I gotta help Kie with something.” John B’s hands clench into fists, instantly on high alert and ready for a fight. 

“Is she ok?” 

“Yeah, it’ll be quick. I’ll text you guys later.” 

He grabs Kie’s hand as they walk to her car, and it’s shaking so badly that he takes her keys from her and drives to the drugstore on the other side of the Cut himself. JJ doesn’t think he’ll be welcome back after Kie has to stop him from punching the cashier shooting her judgemental looks when she sets the tests on the counter. 

“JJ, stop, it’s not worth it.” the weariness in her voice makes him pause.

_ She doesn’t need you to freak out right now.  _

When they get to the Chateau, Kie makes a beeline for the bathroom, and JJ is left to sit restlessly on the pullout, trying to figure out when this could have happened. A few months ago, they got way too drunk at a kegger and found out they ran out of condoms. They had gone through with it anyway. One night wouldn’t make a difference. 

_ A lot of good that’s doing you now, you fucking idiot. _

JJ can barely get his shit sorted out. How is he going to take care of a kid? 

“What are we gonna do?” Kiara asks when she comes out of the bathroom, tests in hand. 

“I don’t know.” he takes his hat off, puts it back on. “If you-if we’re- are you gonna get a-” the words stick in his throat. 

“An abortion?” Kiara sighs. “It’s an option. But I don’t know if that’s what I want. What do you think?” 

“It’s not my body Kie.” 

“JJ,” she raises an eyebrow.

“I’ll support whatever you want to do. You know I will. But I just-” he can’t meet her eyes. “If my mom had done that, knowing she and my dad couldn’t support me or that my dad wasn’t going to take care of me the way he should have after she left, I wouldn’t be here. And I just- I don’t know.” He can’t quite put the feeling into words. It’s helplessness and anxiety and terror forming a vice around his chest and threatening to crush him because he and Kie have only been together for eight months, and it’s one thing to talk about the future, but it’s a whole other thing to be living it.

_ You aren’t fucking ready for this.  _

“It’s not our only option,” Kie says. “There’s always adoption or-” 

_ Or we could keep it.  _

He doesn’t say it, but a part of him hopes. 

“Either way, you should probably run while you still can.” Her voice is flat in a way that makes JJ believe she’s not entirely joking. 

“What the hell are you talking about?” 

“JJ-”

“No, Kie look at me,” he moves so he’s crouched between her knees, her hands clasped in his. “We did this together, so whether you like it or not, I’m in it for the long haul.”

“JJ, we’re not ready. How are we going to afford this? Where are we going to live? The Heywards aren’t going to want an infant in their house and my parents-”

“I’ll get another job. We can get our own place, or we can live here.” 

Kiara snorts. “I’m sure John B and Sarah will love that.” 

“They’ll live.” He pulls her into him, her head tucked beneath his chin. “I’m serious, Kie. I’m not going anywhere.”

He wonders if this is how she felt before his dad’s trial, desperately trying to convince him she wasn’t going after he gave her an out. Wonders if this is why she was shaking so bad when she found him at Heyward’s. Not just because she was afraid of being a parent at seventeen, but because she was scared she was going to be doing it by herself. 

The alarm on Kie’s phone makes them both jump, and when they recover, they’re practically tripping over each other to look at the tests. All three of the little screens say the same thing: Not Pregnant.

JJ nearly cries; he’s so relieved.

Because they’re not ready, and it scares him enough that the next time Pope offers him a beer, he declines. They had taken the Pogue out for the day, Pope and John B’s way of distracting him, and with his dad in prison and DCS still actively searching for his aunt, there was a lot to forget. 

John B’s eyebrows shoot up. “What? JJ Maybank doesn’t want a beer? That’s a first.”

JJ flips him off but doesn’t say anything. 

“Ok,” John B reels in his pole and props it on the railing, arms crossed over his chest. “What’s going on? You and Kie have been acting super weird.” 

Sometimes JJ wishes he didn’t have a best friend who knew him so well. 

“JJ, c’mon man, it’s us.” Pope nudges him with his foot. “Pogues don’t keep secrets.” 

JJ watches him carefully. Pope had given him and Kiara his blessing a long time ago but talking about their relationship in front of him still felt weird, like he was breaking some kind of unspoken bro-code. 

“Ok, so, the other day, when I had to leave work to help Kie with that thing,” John B and Pope nod anxiously. “I had to leave cause Kie was late, and she thought that she- well she thought-”

“Just spit it out, man.” 

“Kie thought she was pregnant.”

Pope chokes, and a second later spits his beer all over John B, who’s too shocked to notice. 

“She’s not. Pregnant, I mean, but I was- I was fucking scared, man.” 

There's a beat of silence and another, and then Pope’s sighing in relief. “Thank god. I was so not ready to be an uncle.” 

John B snorts, picking his pole back up. “Me either, man.” Then he looks at JJ and claps him on the shoulder, a serious expression on his face. “You know we’d have your back if she were, though, right?” Behind him, Pope nods an affirmative. “Pogues for life.”

“Pogues for life,” JJ repeats, instantly feeling the tension ease out of his shoulders. 

They’re not ready. But JJ can see a future where they are. A house on the beach, a marriage, little JJ’s and Kiara’s running around. A future where he can go to sleep without his dad’s rage or sinking ships waiting for him behind his eyelids. He’s never been able to see it with anyone else, but he can see it with Kie.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DCS finds JJ’s aunt in June after junior year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favorite chapter. I'm so proud of this!
> 
> Stay happy, healthy, and safe.

DCS finds JJ’s aunt in June after junior year. 

Her name is Jackie. She lives in L.A., and JJ has no memory of her, but she’s willing to fly to the Outer Banks to see if they can work something out. It isn’t what JJ wants, but that doesn’t seem to matter, so he sits on a park bench next to his social worker, Jamie, as they wait for Jackie to get off her plane. He’s fiddling with one of the many string bracelets Kiara made him, and he wishes that she was with him. Better yet, he hopes that Jackie won’t show up at all. If she does, he has to leave, and he definitely doesn’t want that.

But she does.

There are tears in her eyes as she tells him how much he looks like his mom, and he wonders what she remembers about her and him before his dad stopped letting her come around. 

It’s been almost thirteen years since then.

With much protesting on JJ’s part, Jamie and Jackie decide that he’ll be spending the next year in Los Angeles with Jackie and her family. She’s letting him spend the rest of the summer in the OBX, and it’s honestly more than JJ was hoping for, so he tries to sound happy when he breaks it to the Pogues.

It doesn’t matter. They’re all pissed anyway.

It’s the first real fight he and Kie have gotten into since they’ve been together, and it lasts for days because he’s stubborn and hotheaded, and she’s angry; at him, John B, and Pope for not fighting it, at his aunt for living so far away, at her parents for refusing to take JJ in. She’s angry at life for being so fucking unfair. 

“How are you ok with this?” JJ can hear her and John B arguing at the Chateau one day. 

“I’m not, Kie.” John B snaps back. “Honestly, I thought his dad was going to kill him  _ years _ before he had a chance to get out, and what would you prefer? That he go back? That he goes into foster care where the situation could be worse? At least his aunt cares enough to take him in. To give him food and a place to live and an actual fucking family that loves him.”

“He has a family that loves him here.” Kiara cries, voice shaking with unshed tears.

“It’s not the same thing, and you know it.” There’s a pause, and when John B speaks again, his voice is softer. “I don’t want him to go, but I rather have him alive and living across the country than dead and in Outer Banks.” 

Kiara shows up at the Heywards the next day with burgers, fries, and an apology. She’s covered in grease and smells like fryer oil from her shift, but JJ doesn’t care. He’s just happy they’re talking again. 

The Pogues continue to hang out, but there’s a filter of sadness over everything, like they’re mourning JJ before he’s even gone. He tries to enjoy the summer nonetheless. Even when Kie and Sarah drag him and John B to Midsummers two weeks before he leaves. JJ complains the entire time beforehand, but he knows it’s important to Rose, and therefore important to Sarah, to maintain a good face after Ward and Rafe’s arrests. So he puts on the tux Kiara picked out for him and goes without much fuss.

It’s fun, hanging out with his friends, drinking, and dancing - that’s the difference between attending the party and working it, he supposes - and it’s the first time in months that it feels like things are back to the way they used to be. That is until he and Kiara are dancing, more of a jerky swaying than what the Kooks around them are doing, and Kie goes quiet. 

“What’s wrong?” he asks. 

Her head is tucked into his neck, so he barely hears her when she says, “I’m just gonna miss this. All of us together.” 

“You’re saying that like I’m about to die,” he teases. “What should the title of our romance novel be?”

“I’m serious, JJ. I’m not ready for you to be gone.” 

He sighs. “It’s only for a couple of months.” 

“A couple of months is two or three. You’re talking about ten months, almost three thousand miles away.” 

“It’s not going to change anything.” he insists.

“You say that now,” she pushes right back. “But you’re gonna be at a new school in a new city with new girls-” 

“Girls that I already know have nothing on you.” He releases one of her hands to spin her before pulling her back to him. That’s how they are, he thinks. They’ll always find their way back to each other.

“Just promise me you’ll be careful.” 

“Careful is my middle name,” he says, and she rolls her eyes.

“You've also said the same thing about danger.”

“That’s me. JJ Careful Danger Maybank.” Kiara’s laughing now, that beautiful infectious laugh, and it’s the only thing he ever wants to hear for the rest of his life. 

“I wish my middle name were that cool.” she teases.

“Oh, I think we can come up with a few for you. Kiara stubborn, Kiara bossy,” she punches him on the shoulder, and he laughs, brushing a strand of hair from her face. “Brilliant, sexy Carrera.” He kisses her cheek and catches a tear as it slips down her face. “We’re gonna be fine, Kie.”

“I know.” 

If they’re both crying when the music stops, neither of them mentions it.

When the two weeks are up, Kiara and the rest of the Pogues drive him to the airport. They walk him to the gate, give him hugs, and tell him they love him. Everyone cries. And when it’s time to board his plane, he gives one last hug to Kiara, whispering, “I love you, Kiara Brilliant Sexy Carrera.” in her ear. 

“I love you too,” she says, and it takes everything he has to put his hood up and walk away.

_ This isn’t what I want. _

He wants to get back in the van and go back to the Chateau. He wants to forget about California and Jackie and spend every second of the rest of his life with Kiara. But it’s not up to him. So he gets on the plane and finds his seat. He watches out the window as the plane takes off, and everything he loves gets smaller, and it hurts like hell, but he does it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His plane lands at three in the morning on Kiara’s eighteenth birthday, and he has to climb through the living room window to keep from waking everyone up.

JJ doesn’t make a habit of lying to the Pogues. When you’re lying to everybody you know, you need at least a few people you can always be honest with. 

However, not telling them he bought a ticket to Outer Banks for Spring Break is different than lying.

His plane lands at three in the morning on Kiara’s eighteenth birthday, and he has to climb through the living room window to keep from waking everyone up. Eight months and John B still hasn’t fixed the hinge that creaks every time someone opens the front door. 

_ Fucking slacker. _

Kie’s passed out on the pullout, and he smiles when he sees she’s wearing his T-shirt. It’s from a surfing competition he won years ago, the only proof he’s won first place in anything, and he’s been looking for it for months. She can keep it, he decides. It looks better on her anyway.

Quietly, he kicks off his boots and slides onto the pullout next to her. She wakes up instantly, yelling, “What the fuck?” and jumping away from him, attempting to pull his T-shirt closer to her knees. 

“Probably not the best way to tell you I was coming, huh?” 

She blinks at him owlishly. “JJ?”

“Happy birthday, K-” he grunts, struggling to keep himself upright as she throws herself at him. They’ve Facetimed and texted every day since he left, but holding her is different. “Hi,” he whispers.

Pope, John B, and Sarah are awake now, running in from the back rooms carrying various weapons. The golf club Pope has in his hands clatters to the floor, and John B’s laughing, tossing his crowbar onto the battered armchair. It’s a habit they’ve all picked up since their adventure for the gold. Even in Cali, JJ always keeps a bat under his bed.

“Dude,” John B says. “What the hell are you doing?” 

“Well, the trip across the country seemed worth it if it meant I got to see your gorgeous face John B.” 

John B rolls his eyes and wraps JJ and Kie in a bear hug, pulling Sarah and Pope with him.

God, he fucking missed them.

They spend the day surfing, and when the sun’s starting to go down, they have dinner with Kiara’s parents at the Wreck. Anna even hugs JJ. 

He tells them about his school and the classes he’s taking - the woodshop is his favorite so far. He tells them about Jackie, her husband Michael, and their son Devon. Devon’s eighteen like them, and he’s a massive nerd. He likes video games and surfing, and that’s what he and JJ are doing most weekends when JJ’s not working at the pizza place up the block. He’s pretty much the only friend JJ has in L.A. aside from Kyle, a kid from JJ’s woodshop class, but JJ’s fine with that. At this point, he’s almost an honorary Pogue.

Kie and JJ take the HMS out just the two of them, and JJ drives. As he passes all his old haunts, he can’t wait for the school year to be over so he can come back. Jackie and Michael have been good to him, and he likes L.A. well enough, but it isn’t home. 

He cuts the engine in the middle of the marsh and lays his head on Kie’s lap, pointing out constellations as he spots them. 

They’ve burned a joint down to the filter before JJ realizes he hasn’t given Kie her present. He grabs for the backpack he shoved under the driver’s seat and makes a big show of pulling the cupcake he bought out of it. Kiara snorts when he sticks a sparkler in the top of it instead of a candle. 

“Nice,” she says.

“Oh, if you like that, you’re gonna love this.” he drops an envelope into her lap, and her eyes widen to the size of planets when she pulls out two plane tickets.

“JJ, what is this?”

“You remember that wildlife conservation trip in Costa Rica Devon’s going on?” She nods. “I got us the last two seats.” 

He chooses to omit the fact that he’s been busting his ass for eight months trying to get them. It’s worth it just to see the look on Kie’s face.

“Us?” 

“Yeah us. You don’t think I spent the last five years cleaning up the Boneyard after keggers so you can go to another country without me, do you?” he smirks, leaning back on his hands casually. “It’s also my last hurrah with Devon before he leaves for NYU, so you know. I thought it’d be cool for all of us.” 

Kiara doesn’t say anything, just stares at him with her mouth open like a fish. It makes him anxious. “If you’re worried about the dates, I checked, and we’d come back a couple of weeks before you’d have to leave for school.” 

Still, she doesn’t say anything. 

“I know it’s not four hundred mil, or the round the world excursion you had planned b-” she cuts him off by slamming her lips against his. 

“It’s perfect.” she’s grinning, looking from him to the tickets in her hand and back. “I can’t believe you did this.” 

“I’d do anything for you, Kiara Carrera.”

And he would.

He absolutely would.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's his first love. She's the girl he knows he'll always love, every day for the rest of his life.

JJ has no intention of going to college. He doesn’t need a degree to teach kids how to surf, and if he did, he wouldn’t be able to pay for it. But he applies to as many colleges in North Carolina as he can because apparently high schools in L.A. require that for graduation. 

The essays are a bitch to write.

He talks about his parents in some and, in others, five stupid kids on a treasure hunt for gold that disappeared a hundred fifty years ago. If the admissions people don’t believe him, that’s on them. 

Kiara’s in every single one. He doesn’t get accepted anywhere, but it doesn’t make anything he wrote about her any less true. Not then and not five years later, when he reads the essay he wrote to apply at Chapel Hill as part of his wedding vows.

It’s a small ceremony in the Carrera’s backyard with only a few people in attendance - Pope, his parents, and his college lab partner turned fiancee Sasha, Kiara’s parents, Jackie, Michael, and Devon. John B and Sarah stand up front with JJ and Kie as best man and maid of honor. The sun is shining, and there are flowers everywhere - orchids and white lilies, a nod to their trip to Costa Rica. It couldn’t be more perfect. 

“During our senior year,” JJ says. “The school I was going to required me to apply to colleges before I could graduate, and when I applied at UNC, they asked me to write about a positive influence. I wrote about you.” Kiara smiles as he pulls the essay, weathered and torn at the edges, from his pocket. 

“Growing up, I didn’t have many positive influences,” he reads. “My mom left before I was old enough to remember her, and my dad was an abusive alcoholic,” 

“Jesus JJ, talk about dark,” John B cuts him off with a snort but falls silent when JJ elbows him in the ribs. 

“If you had asked me back then what a positive influence was, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you the answer until I met Kiara Carrera. Since we were thirteen, she’s been my best friend, following me and our friends into whatever stupid situations we got ourselves into, so we didn’t get ourselves killed. She sees the best in people, and she’s always stuck by me, even when I gave her every reason not to. No matter how many times I let her down or disappointed her, she’s never given up on me. She is my positive influence. She makes me a better man and is probably the only reason I’m alive to write this essay in the first place.”

His voice breaks, and he can feel John B’s hand on his shoulder as he intertwines his fingers with Kiara’s, his speech disappearing into his back pocket. 

“I never thought I’d get here,” he tells her. “But I did because of you. You’re more than just my best friend, and now my wife,” he slides the ring John B passes him onto her finger, a simple gold band to match his own. “You’re my family. You’re my first love. The girl I know I’ll always love. And I promise that I’ll spend every day of the rest of my life trying to make you happy.” 

His voice is shaking too much, so he has to whisper when he says, “I love you.” 

“I love you too, JJ,” She’s as emotional as he is. “So much.” 

The priest pronounces them man and wife, and then JJ’s kissing her, and for the first time in his life, it feels like everything falls into place.

He doesn’t need four hundred million or a house on Figure Eight. 

He has Kie. 

And that’s enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end! I had so much fun writing this. It's a long time in the making. 
> 
> Stay happy, healthy, and safe.
> 
> Constructive criticism is always appreciated.


End file.
